


Promise

by rizuki



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Free! Kink Meme, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Triggers, i am fifty shades of sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-27
Updated: 2015-01-27
Packaged: 2018-03-09 07:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3241607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rizuki/pseuds/rizuki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Are you pulling our five year promise out on me?”</p><p>“I guess. But, only if you want.”</p><p>He's treading lightly, knowing if he says or does anything wrong, it's game over. He'll do anything, <i>anything,</i> to make things better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Promise

**Author's Note:**

> obligatory trigger warning - it ends well, but there is talk and descriptions of cutting, self harm, and self hatred in here. please be advised.

It was supposed to be a thing of the past. It wasn’t supposed to still be there, still haunting at him, still eating away at his life and making it harder and harder to hide. It wasn’t supposed to still be trailing after him, nor was it still supposed to be taking away whatever pride in himself that he had left. It had been years; he was supposed to be better than this.

 

So why did he keep falling back to it if it hurt so much? Why did he keep letting himself give in to weakness? Why was he allowing himself to fall deeper and deeper into a hole that seemed impossible to crawl out of?

 

 _‘Maybe there’s no point in fighting_ , _’_ he thought as his fingertips gradually skated along the edge of fine cold metal he had thought he had grown weary of. _‘Maybe this is just who I’ve become.’_

 

Trembling fingertips hesitantly picked up the thin razor blade, ignoring the sharp sting when the edge cut into the tip of his index finger, causing a tiny droplet of blood to form just beneath the point of the blade.

 

_‘Maybe this is exactly what I deserve.’_

 

*

 

The outcome at regionals was unexpected, to say the least. At the end of the day, they had only lost by nano-seconds and had qualified for nationals, but that was the last thing Rin had on his mind. He was proud of their first major competition as a team, and was proud of what he had accomplished with Ai, Momo, and Sousuke. Rin just wished that it didn’t have to come at such a high cost.

 

Sousuke was, of course, playing it off. He knew it was coming, he knew the risks, he knew the outcome - his words repeated over and over in Rin’s head on a loop, and he wondered just how much he could believe him. How much did he really want to work with his dad? How okay was he really about potentially losing his professional swimming career before it had even started? Rin couldn’t imagine that Sousuke enjoyed the major scolding he got from Sugimoto-sensei either, but he hadn’t said a word about any of it. 

 

How worth it was it all, really?

 

They were best friends, couldn’t they speak to each other? Granted, Rin’s slate wasn’t exactly clean of that, either. He had kept things from Sousuke, too. There was a lot Sousuke still didn’t know about Australia and about how things went when Rin met up with his friends from Iwatobi again. Rin still had some explaining to do when it came to why he lost contact and why he hadn’t reached out. It wasn’t just Sousuke hiding his shoulder injury; both of them had their hands dirty with secrets and getting frustrated at the other would’ve just been hypocritical.

 

Their relationship in general had become multiple sorts of secrets, as well. No words had been shared, but their relationship had certainly shifted from being ‘just best friends.’ They were a bit more touchy-feely - holding hands when they were alone, legs getting tangled under the table, and fingers idly running through each other’s hair, to name a few examples. Then there were random kisses on shoulders, necks, cheeks, and foreheads. Stolen glances that were never hidden, shoulders somehow magically bumping even when they had adequate space between them, and the most recent major change of Sousuke sleeping in the bottom bunk with Rin. Their touches there were shy and hesitant, and no words were ever spoken; they only spoke with gentle caresses and sheepish smiles, and would wake up wrapped into each other in one way or another.

It was comforting - but what was it? That was a secret even to themselves. Rin didn’t have a name to it; he would just blush at the thought of their actions. No one else knew that their dynamic was changing, deepening, but Rin wanted so much for at least the two of them to talk about it.

Yet at the same time, he didn’t. What if it was only meant to stay a silent mystery between them because words would cause it to fall apart? It wasn’t like anyone else could know anyway, it didn’t seem like it would be something openly accepted by their peers or by anyone overall. So if they tried to put a name to it, would they be unable to accept it, too? So much was changing and they were just halfway through the school year; it all made Rin feel exhausted. And if he felt exhausted, how must Sousuke feel?

 

Fate was a cruel mistress, because the moment Rin began questioning Sousuke and his future again, Sousuke walked back into their dorm, shoulder brace peeking out from the collar of his t-shirt. The sight of it made Rin gulp and sit up in his bed, waiting expectantly for Sousuke to say something, anything.

 

“Hey... How was practice?” Sousuke asked with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

 

Rin unconsciously grabbed onto them hem of his shirt, pulling and tugging at it nervously while shrugging his shoulders. “Went well. Everyone’s still raving about your performance at regionals.” There was no gentle way to ask the question that was on the tip of Rin’s tongue. He didn’t want to deal with small talk, although he was sure that Sousuke truly was genuinely interested in the day’s practice. “What did the doctor say?”

 

Sousuke pulled his chair back from his desk and turned it so that once he sat down, he was facing Rin. He clasped his hands together, index fingers tapping at the backs of his hands. “I need surgery, as expected.”  Rin felt a hard tug at his heart with the confirmation, but didn’t say anything. “Got yelled at quite a bit,” Sousuke continued, chuckling. “That’s two for two, after Sugimoto-sensei. My parents are next when I go with them for the surgery consult.”

 

“I should’ve never let you swim,” was Rin’s rushed reply, and his head dropped to look at his hands in his lap. He couldn’t look Sousuke in the face, not when he felt so guilty. “I should’ve been your captain, not your friend, and told you no.”

 

“And I would’ve kept at you until you caved. Nitori and Mikoshiba would have, too, and you know it. In fact, they would have begged worse than me.”

 

“That doesn’t excuse anything.”

 

“Rin, look at me.”

 

Rin couldn’t raise his head, not even when he heard the scratching of the chair legs against the wooden floor when Sousuke got up. He only raised his head when Sousuke’s thumb and index finger took a gentle grip of his chin to coax him into doing so. Rin blinked, unsure what to make of the fond smile that crossed Sousuke’s face, and that look in his eyes - that damned look in his eyes that made him feel hot and nervous and forget his words. He couldn’t look away, not even when Sousuke leaned in so their faces were millimeters apart.

 

“I still regret nothing. I wanted to do it, more than anything. It was my dream, and you helped me fulfill that. Now I can look ahead knowing I leave no failures or regrets behind me. I couldn’t have done that without you.”

 

Before Rin even had a moment to fully process those words, Sousuke’s lips were on his, warm and soft and gentle and timid. There was no attempt at deepening it or  getting heated in any way, just a short and sweet kiss that had Rin’s head spinning. That was their first kiss; they had never actually kissed on the lips before. Now that they had, when Sousuke eased back, Rin just wanted more. It was a taste he wanted to get to know better, a taste he wanted again and again and wasn’t sure how he had gone so long without.

 

“I’m going to go take a shower, okay? I feel gross from being in that waiting room all afternoon.”

 

“Okay,” came Rin’s mumbled reply. His eyes were wide open in surprise still, trembling fingertips finding their way to his lips to press there lightly as if to solidify the fact that they had kissed, that it was real. He wasn’t sure what to make of it; he had wanted it, yes, but to realize that Sousuke did too, and then the simple fact that Sousuke had actually gone ahead and done it... That was a step into a new part of their relationship that Rin felt oblivious to. In their situation, what was right and what was wrong? What was okay and what wasn’t? When could they kiss again and could the next one be longer than the first?

 

Sousuke chuckled, amused over the fact that Rin had fallen into a shy silence that was so unlike him. He was intrigued and curious as to what else could deepen the blush spread across Rin’s face, what else could silence him, what else could take him completely by surprise. It was as if there was still so much to Rin that Sousuke didn’t know, and maybe that was true. They had never done any of this before, it was all new territory; so Sousuke found it fair to say that there were plenty of sides to his friend that he was unaware of... plenty of sides that he truly wanted to become acquainted with.

 

He was thankful that he hadn’t stepped to far away yet, because he was still close enough to reach over and let his fingers brush away strands of hair from Rin’s face before tucking them behind his ear in a tender motion. Rin’s gaze moved upward to meet his own, and Sousuke could see the intrigue in those red eyes, the attraction.

 

“I’ll be quick,” he promised, and maybe it was more of a promise to himself because he didn’t want to leave Rin for long. Sousuke wanted to keep going, wanted to feel those soft lips under his own again. He wasn’t too sure why they had both been skirting around the idea of doing so for so long, but now that the door had been knocked down, he wanted to know what else lay ahead for them. 

 

Sousuke had what he needed and was out of the room before Rin could even process the past few moments of events. His heart was hammering in his chest and he could hear the rapid pulse in his ears, a steady drumbeat that didn’t seem to be dying down any time soon. Despite his shock and surprise, it all felt good. Rin felt good. Sousuke dropped a mini bombshell on him and he felt butterflies dancing in his stomach like they’d describe in the teenage movies he and Gou used to watch together. It was nice.

 

So then why couldn’t he stop shaking? Why did he feel like he was going to throw up? Why did his anxiety level feel like it had unexpectedly shot through the roof?

 

_‘Do not ruin him any more than you already have.’_

 

Rin lowered his hand from his lips and brought it to rest on his thigh, fingertips tapping it briskly through the thin material of his sweatpants. It had been a while since he had felt so shaky and so anxious; he was taken by surprise by it and by the emotions that were running rampant through his body.

 

_‘You do not deserve him.’_

 

His free hand came up to rub at the back of his neck in nervous habit and stilled there as his gaze shifted to the closed room of their shared dorm. Sousuke was pretty punctual. When he said he’d be quick, he meant it. Rin had no reason not to believe he’d be back fairly soon. If he had to guess, he had maybe ten minutes before he’d return to the dorm.

 

_‘What are you even thinking?’_

 

Just as quickly as Rin’s gaze moved to the door, it sped to the otherwise of the room and landed at his desk - more specifically, at his top drawer. His fingers started tapping his thigh a little faster; he was having a hard time keeping track of everything that was spinning through his head at that moment. Rin almost wished Sousuke had stayed, then he’d be distracted and wouldn’t be sitting there in his bed, stewing in his mixed thoughts. 

 

_‘This is all your fault.’_

 

His fingers finally stopped tapping and he forced himself to stand up to make his way over to his desk.

 

He had enough time.

 

*

 

Something was up, that part was for certain. However, that was as far as Sousuke was able to get. 

 

Ever since Sousuke had kissed him, Rin had been avoiding him. It didn’t seem possible considering they shared a dorm, but getting Rin alone for five minutes was becoming an impossible feat. Rin’s jogs were longer, his showers were longer and more frequent, and sometimes he just disappeared without a trace, leaving simply a post-it saying ‘be back later’ left on the desk in an attempt to keep Sousuke at ease. Really, it did anything but. If anything, it made Sousuke’s concern grow tenfold.

 

He thought he could corner him after their last class for the day, but somehow Rin had been the first one out of the room. Obon was coming up, and as a result there was no practice that day, so Sousuke was out of luck in seeing Rin again until it was time for bed, probably. Maybe that was the best time to confront him. He wouldn’t have anywhere to go, anywhere to hide, they could talk openly and resolve any issue, Sousuke was certain. 

 

Sousuke headed out into the hallway with the goal of heading back to their dorm room. He needed to come up with something to say, an apology, an explanation, whatever he could to ease Rin into speaking to him. It didn’t feel right to have such a deep tunnel of distrust in their relationship, whether it was just friendship or something more... something deeper.

 

Had it been a mistake to kiss him? Sousuke hadn’t thought so. He could recall the pink blush on Rin’s cheeks, the hint of a smile grazing his lips, and how absolutely frozen and blissed out he had appeared for those brief moments Sousuke had stayed in the room before going to take a shower. Was he faking it for Sousuke’s sake? Had it actually repulsed him? Had Rin not wanted to take their relationship to that level? 

 

Maybe he should have asked... He did just go ahead and assume it would be fine, but he didn’t believe he had any reason not to. Maybe, despite how much Sousuke was sure that they didn’t need to talk about their relationship and what they were doing, maybe in reality they needed to. Being gay wasn’t just something you openly proclaimed and said to all of your friends. It wasn’t exactly shunned, but it wasn’t something they might want flying around in the public eye, either. Maybe someone from Iwatobi had said something that made Rin not to proceed with a homosexual relationship, maybe a family member, maybe -

 

“Yamazaki-senpai?”

 

Ai’s voice sounded impossibly more timid apprehensive than usual, which caused Sousuke to turn to face him almost immediately. He wasn’t sure what to make of the sight that greeted him once he turned around. Ai and Momo were standing a few feet away behind him, neither one looking at him; they were both glancing around the hallway nervously, pretty much looking at every single thing but him. Ai was playing with the strap of his backpack while Momo had shoved his hands in his pockets, a foot trying to rub out a scuff mark that was on the tiled floor.

 

“You two look suspicious,” Sousuke responded, eyebrows furrowing when the two seemed to cower even further into themselves at the comment. “What’s going on?”

 

“N-nothing!” Momo replied quickly, eyes wide. He looked like he had something to say, but he ducked his head again to avoid making eye contact.

 

“It’s... It’s just...” Ai spoke up. Sousuke bit down on the inside of his cheek; something about this all felt wrong. He was growing uneasy over their conversation that technically hadn’t even started yet. “It’s about Rin-senpai.”

 

Those words got all of Sousuke’s attention. The uneasiness he felt doubled and he moved forward to get closer to Ai and Momo, not wanting their conversation broadcasted out for all of Samezuka to hear.

 

“What about him?”

 

“Has he spoken to you at all?” Momo mumbled out, finally raising his head and keeping it level so Sousuke could look at him properly. He could tell that Sousuke was looking for a little more insight than that, and Momo just shrugged, unsure how to proceed. “He just hasn’t seemed like his usual self lately.”

 

“He only talks to us during practice,” Ai added, his worry clear as day on his face. Sousuke was almost certain that the kid might tear up. “He barely speaks at all, otherwise. He seems preoccupied, I think he has since regionals.”

 

“It got worse after, though! And I noticed he wasn’t practicing along with us as often...” Momo trailed off, pursing his lips in thought. “He’s usually been the last one to stay in the showers after practice, though. Tells me to get out or I have to swim fifty laps. I can’t swim fifty laps! The Sea of Japan’s sea otter can only handle so much!”

 

“”In the showers?” Sousuke questioned, mind spinning. It didn’t make any sense. He would usually hang around with the goal of waiting up for Rin, but he was always gone. How could he always be the last to leave? Granted, he had missed a few practices in order to attend doctors’ appointments, but still - he’d go when he could to help manage the team, and Rin was nowhere to be found afterward.

 

“Momo-kun’s right,” Ai chimed in. “He’ll give his orders and critiques and everything as usual, but then... I’m worried, Yamazaki-senpai. Maybe he’s just stressed out for nationals?”

 

 _‘He said it got worse,’_ Sousuke thought. _‘Could he feel unclean after I kissed him? Like he needs to wash me off of him?’_

 

“If anybody can get to the bottom of it, we feel that you can, Yamazaki-senpai!” Momo added, a hopeful smile on his face, but Sousuke could still see the worry underneath it. He couldn’t blame Momo, nor Ai; he was worried, too.

 

Sousuke forced a smile, wanting to calm the two down. He couldn’t make any promises, especially not when it seemed that he was the cause of everything that was going wrong, but he was going to try to do something.

 

“I’ll try and talk to him tonight. I won’t tell him you two spoke to me, otherwise he’ll make you two do a hundred laps,” he teased, hoping to take some of their worry away.

 

It seemed to be enough to appease the two, for they jumped in their spots at the possibility of such an enormous task. 

 

“N-no way! Don’t let him get us, Yamazaki-senpai!” Momo croaked out.

 

“Th-thank you!” Ai mumbled.

 

Sousuke simply nodded, and turned back around to continue his walk back to the dorm, but was stopped when he felt a shaky hand grab a hold of his wrist. Glancing over his shoulder, he was once again surprised by the actions of his juniors - Ai had a hold of his wrist even as he looked at the floor, and Momo was right behind him, determination blazing in his golden eyes.

 

“We’ll do it if it helps, senpai,” Momo said. “We just want to see him happy again.”

 

“We can go ahead feeling confident that Rin-senpai is in your capable hands, Yamazaki-senpai,” Ai added quietly. He gave Sousuke’s wrist a gentle squeeze before letting go. Sousuke was speechless. The two bowed to him before rushing off in the opposite direction, to do who knows what, he mused.

 

But really... in his hands? Was that really the best place for Rin to be?

 

*

 

Hiding from everyone was proving to be harder than Rin had originally believed. He should’ve realized that they would catch on and try cornering him at every chance that presented itself. He also should’ve realized that running and hiding instead of acting natural was obvious and directing more attention to himself, which was the complete opposite of what Rin wanted. Maybe he could attribute all of his weird actions to pre-nationals’ nerves, or an inability to make a final decision for his post-graduation plans. Something. Anything. He needed to figure out some way to explain himself that didn’t end up with him coming clean about the past few days - no. The past few _years_.

 

Sousuke kissing him had been something that he never fully realized he wanted until he had it. Rin wanted more, so bad, but he wasn’t allowed to have it; he wasn’t allowing himself to have it. He couldn’t have Sousuke, not after everything he had done to him. 

 

Although it had yet to be confirmed or denied, Sousuke’s shoulder was probably broken beyond repair and that would put him out of reach for the international stage permanently. His dream was most likely over. Rin felt that he had to take all of the blame for that, how could he not? He didn’t stop Sousuke from swimming the relay even though he should have, and even before that, lying and transferring to Samezuka...that was for him. According to Sousuke, it was for his ‘new dream,’ but he wouldn’t need a new dream if he hadn’t overtrained. And why exactly had he overtrained? Because of him, and Rin knew it, even if the words didn’t come from Sousuke’s mouth.

 

He had been so proud of himself. Australia was the last time he had seriously cut his thighs up until the prior year when he bumped into Haruka, Makoto, and Nagisa. He had never felt so lost before, never felt so alone before, even when he thought that Australia was the bottom of the pit for him. Rin didn’t ever think he could feel as lonely and broken as he did then, but he was wrong. There were nights with Ai snoring in the bunk above him where Rin simply didn’t sleep, just stayed up all night trying to understand how he had let himself go so badly. He had lost everything and it was all his fault, which was why he had resorted back to his old coping mechanism to try and get rid of some of his anxiety.

 

Rin would watch the light trail of blood drip down his thigh and would wonder how exactly doing that made any sense. He couldn’t explain it, but it just did. It felt as though letting the blood spill out of his body was also releasing his anxiousness and his stress, while simultaneously punishing himself for what he’d done wrong. He had wronged Haruka, and Sousuke, and Makoto, and Nagisa, and Gou, and his parents, and his olympic dreams were shot to hell, and it was all his fault. Why not punish himself for it? Why not remind himself of what he’d done? Shouldn’t he have some sort of a reminder of his shortcomings?

 

After last year’s regionals, the stress and anxiety and loneliness were washed away, and it was the first time in years that he didn’t feel so lost and alone. He hadn’t been so cheerful and carefree in a long time; it was amazing. It was something Rin never told anyone, and maybe that was his downfall - maybe that was why he dragged his feet back to the razor blade he kept that he felt chained to no matter how hard he tried to break free from it. The second something happened, Rin felt lost again, and somehow that stupid razor blade kept him present, kept him lucid. 

 

Things had been going so well. They won at prefectures, and the team was doing amazingly, his grades were high and his friendships were stable. He had better relationships with Gou and Ai, Sousuke was back in his life, and the chance to join an Olympic team was no longer out of reach. Rin felt like he had when he was a kid, full of dreams and aspirations with no roadblocks in his path.

 

Then he found out the truth about Sousuke, and Haruka... Haruka wasn’t wrong. Rin was the one that cared about scouts and times and placements - of course he did. He had high hopes and dreams that he was going to attain no matter what. True, maybe Rin did kind of force Haruka into the same spot as himself, but even though it wasn’t right, it was better than staying stagnant, which was what Haruka was doing to himself. He was killing his future before having fully deciding upon it, and Rin couldn’t stand to see him do that to himself.

 

Looking back, he had no right to say what he did when he did. Haruka was already feeling the weight of the world and everyone’s expectations on his shoulders, Rin wasn’t right in adding his onto him as well; he didn’t think he had ever heard Haruka yell like that, not to anyone. He could’ve waited, he _should’ve_ waited, for a better opportunity to press his friend and force him to face reality. Rin just couldn’t let Haruka drown in the idea that he could stay motionless through life while everyone and everything around him grew and moved on; he had to help him, he wanted to help him. Instead, he was pretty sure that he just slammed the breaks on their friendship.

 

_I swim for myself, and for my friends!_

 

_Then swim for those friends, and for your own sake!_

 

Rin wasn’t going to lie and say that it didn’t sting to hear Haruka say that he swam for his friends. That was a common fact, knowledge he already knew and accepted, and maybe it was just because of the situation and the pressure but it certainly didn’t feel as though Haruka was considering him in that list of friends. It almost felt like he was cast out of it, like he was left out of it, purposefully.

 

 _‘I probably deserved that, though,’_ Rin thought, and turned his body so he could get a side view of it in the mirror in the locker room. He cursed under his breath at the dark spot staining the more transparent part of his legskins at his left inner thigh. He thought he had been so careful to not go too deep, but clearly not careful enough. He couldn’t get into the pool like that, chlorine or not, which was why he had been avoiding practicing with the team as of late. It wasn’t so noticeable, but Rin figured that if he could see the spot, anybody else could.

 

 _‘It’s like I literally have no control over anything anymore, again. Not even with this. I’ve even lost control of this. Then that’s the final straw that I truly am a failure.’_  

 

Rin’s hand formed a tight fist and before he threw a rushed punch toward the mirror, stopping himself only inches from making impact. He wanted to hit something, to break something, to scream.

 

He was so close, _so close_ to his dream, and the only one stopping him was himself.

 

Sousuke didn’t deserve him, or whatever was left of him. 

 

*

 

Sousuke didn’t have a plan in mind when he arrived at Iwatobi High School after another doctor’s appointment for his shoulder. He didn’t even have a script for himself in mind, lines to work off of, an idea to base his words around - he had nothing. The only thing that made him make the trip was his ever-growing concern and the hope that somebody had more answers than he did.

 

He leaned back against the brick wall in front of the school, waiting for whenever it was that Haruka would finally grace him with his presence. The school day had been over for a few hours now, and the setting sun was beginning to cast blurred pink and purple lights all along the walls and buildings. He’d give him another fifteen minutes before calling it quits; when he first showed up, he ran into Rei and Nagisa who were both stunned speechless at his presence at their school. They had informed him that Haruka was staying late to swim on his own again, and they didn’t know when he’d be done. True, Sousuke could’ve questioned them as well, but his main line of questions were for Haruka.

 

Sousuke closed his eyes, tilting his head back against the wall behind him. He needed to make sure he was composed so that when he spoke to Haruka, he was able to get something accomplished rather than needlessly fight. Having said that, Sousuke was having a hell of a hard time focusing and composing himself, what with the events of the past 12 or so hours.

 

He had fallen asleep while waiting for Rin to return to the dorm. Sousuke woke up alone, but it was clear that Rin had been there. He cursed at the thought; how the hell had he miss him? When did he show up? Whatever the answers, the telltale signs that there had been someone else in the room had stopped Sousuke from continuing to berate himself from losing his chance.

 

Rin was a neat freak, that was a given. He liked things being orderly, organized, and clean. That was not the state of his half of the room, at all. His bed was haphazardly made and his clothes from the night before were messily folded at the foot of his bed. The top of his desk was a stack of papers in disarray and a pile of books that hadn’t been put back in their proper places. Those were all red flags to Sousuke because it was just so unlike Rin. Had he been rushing to get out before Sousuke woke up? Was he really that desperate to avoid him? All of that, however, was nothing compared to the final nails in the coffin that brought Sousuke to Iwatobi that afternoon.

 

Blood, dried blood on napkin after napkin in the wastebasket that was shoved into the tiny space in-between Rin’s desk and the wall. It was clear that it was placed there in an attempt to be hidden, but the fact that some napkins hadn’t even made it inside of the wastebasket was what caught Sousuke’s attention. It was mostly dry, but still red enough for Sousuke to deduce that it happened overnight. 

 

When he was walking out of the dorm to head to class, Sousuke’s nerves and curiosity got the best of him. He set his bag down by the door and made his way back to the bed to grab a hold of the messy pile of clothes that Rin had left behind. He was overreaching, he was assuming, why would it be all over his clothes? Maybe he had cut himself shaving, or maybe had a nosebleed, or a deep paper cut, or something. Sousuke wasn’t sure what he was trying to prove by examining Rin’s clothes; maybe more than anything he was trying to reassure himself that it wasn’t anything serious. His mind was just assuming the worst and jumping to conclusions, that was all.

 

That didn’t stop Sousuke from unfolding the t-shirt, letting out a sigh of relief when there was nothing on it. _‘That rules out a nosebleed,’_ he thought as he set the shirt down and picked up the pants, heart getting caught in his throat at the small scattered spots of blood that went along the side of one of Rin’s pant legs. His mind went blank; he had nothing. No thoughts, no theories... Sousuke had absolutely nothing. Well, there was one thought that chirped up in the back of his head that he immediately shut down before it could finish forming.

 

 _‘Absolutely not. That wouldn’t... That can’t happen.’_  

 

Sousuke dropped the pants back on the bed when he realized that he was shaking. It kind of made sense. Being in the shower for so long, refusing to go into the pool at practice, how much he had been isolating himself... It kind of started adding up -

 

_‘Shut up shut up shut up shut up.’_

 

Sousuke grabbed his bag and rushed out of the dorm, knowing that his hands were still shaking even as he shoved them into the pockets of his hoodie. If his worst fears were correct, how in the world was he supposed to deal with that reality? How could he possibly help Rin when he himself was ready to have a breakdown over the mere aspect that Rin could be -

 

He wasn’t going to allow himself to finish that thought. He was going to go to class, and he was going to somehow, gently, talk to Rin and pull him aside for a while. Even if Rin refused to speak, Sousuke just wanted him to know that he was there if Rin wanted or needed him to be.

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Haruka’s voice jolted Sousuke from his memories and he pushed himself off of the wall to face him, a tad surprised at the shock he saw in Haruka’s eyes.

 

“Yo, Nanase.”  

 

No, surprise was not the right word to use for the look on Haruka’s face; if it weren’t for the gravity of the situation, Sousuke would’ve laughed out loud. Haruka looked downright dumbfounded, totally taken aback. 

 

“Come with me for a bit,” Sousuke said and immediately turned on his heels to lead Haruka over to the side of the school where they’d be somewhat hidden from the public eye. 

 

Haruka paused, confused by the situation entirely, but followed after Sousuke. He couldn’t imagine what would make Sousuke travel to Iwatobi. What could he possibly have to say that couldn’t wait until nationals or some other occasion? What could he have on his mind that made him make the journey over to see him specifically? Haruka didn’t exactly feel like dealing with someone else going on and on about his future when it was truly none of their concern in his mind. He felt so stressed out, especially now that he apparently had another disturbance on his list. He was not in the mood to be reprimanded for how regionals went, especially not by him.

 

“What do you want?” Haruka went for the blunt and to the point approach, not wanting to waste any time in shutting Sousuke down as quickly as possible if necessary.

 

Sousuke wanted to let out a loud sigh. He wanted to cut to the chase, wanted to get straight to the point of why he had made the trek to Iwatobi to see him, but doing so made it real. Saying his concerns solidified the fact that something was drastically wrong and out of his hands. Plus, Haruka clearly had his own issues to work out after what had happened at regionals, and he was the last person to question it when he knew that he himself had his own issues to sort out. However, he figured that they both could put their differences and personal problems aside for five minutes, especially over something so important.

 

Should he tell Haruka what he saw, or would that be breeching Rin’s trust? Granted, he was most definitely not supposed to see all that blood, he was sure, so would that really be the case? Should he maybe just state the fact that he had concerns without getting too detailed? Sousuke had no real proof, after all; he could very easily be jumping to conclusions, and throwing those conclusions at Haruka without knowing the truth would cause more harm than good.

 

“It it concerns Rin,” he responded, cutting himself off from delving too deep just yet. Sousuke wasn’t sure how to go about it and he knew he didn’t have much time to work with. Rei and Nagisa had mentioned that Makoto stayed behind that day, too. He could pop up at any moment.

 

Well, maybe that would’ve been a positive. Makoto was calming and reasonable, a giant lazy puppy from what Sousuke had seen. Maybe Makoto’s input would be in his best interest to have.

 

“You’ve come to hound me about that before,” Haruka quipped. “Why are you always so concerned about Rin?”

 

Sousuke gritted his teeth, feeling his agitation increase. Granted, a part of him really did understand Haruka’s position, but the other part of him could only see blood and Rin fading away in front of him, and that was more important than anything.

 

“I’m actually scared to death about him, Nanase. That’s why I came here to talk to you.”

 

Haruka’s eyes widened; he certainly hadn’t been expecting that answer. “What do you mean by that?”

 

“I’m concerned about him. Very concerned. Nitori and Mikoshiba have both come to me about it, as well.”

 

Haruka took a step forward, all lines of anger and frustration completely wiped away from his face. Sousuke wasn’t blind; Haruka and Rin’s friendship was something interesting, to say the least. He wasn’t sure what to make of it for the most part, but it was clear that they cared about each other deeply. He’d confess that it was something he had been (and maybe still was) jealous of.

 

“What’s wrong with him?”

 

Sousuke shrugged. “He’s isolated himself from us and the rest of the team since regionals. Won’t speak to anyone, is barely in the dorms, never anywhere to be found. I was hoping that perhaps you know something I don’t.”

 

“Are you suggesting that I had something to do with it?”

 

“What?? Damnit, Nanase, no! I...” Sousuke sighed loudly; he might as well just go all the way. “Have you spoken to Rin since regionals?”

 

Haruka paused, averting eye contact. Sousuke wondered if maybe he had discovered something with his line of questioning. “Rin and I... We had a disagreement at regionals.”

 

Sousuke wanted to shake him. Haruka couldn’t stop there, maybe there was more to the story that might explain Rin’s actions a bit further. what kind of disagreement, exactly? Now that he thought about it, Sousuke couldn’t recall seeing Rin interact with anyone from the Iwatobi team at all during regionals, except for Gou of course. _‘Damn,_ ’he thought, _‘this is not a conversation I want to have with Gou.’_

 

“A disagreement?” he pried, hoping to make Haruka speak up.

 

“We...didn’t see eye to eye about what happened. He said some things, I said some things...” Haruka trailed off, and Sousuke could see that he wasn’t going go get anywhere in regards to insight on Rin and Haruka’s conversation at regionals. Haruka clearly still had his own demons to face and push through, and Sousuke was sure that his presence wasn’t helping matters in the slightest. As much as he was hoping visiting Iwatobi would help him gain some insight, it left him in the same position he was in before - helpless.

 

“That’s none of my business,” Sousuke replied, causing Haruka to make eye contact with him again. “You have your own situation to step forward and take care of. You have an incredibly ability, so you need to stop wasting time.” He paused, noticing that Haruka’s jaw had dropped a little in surprise. Maybe his words were getting to him after all, but it truly was none of his concern. Sousuke couldn’t get involved more than he already had.

 

“Nanase. If he does come to you... Take care of him. You and I may never see eye to eye, and you don’t need to tell me anything he does or says, but please just take care of him.”

 

Sousuke took a deep breath and turned so his back was facing Haruka, using the silence as an opening to start his way back to Samezuka. When he reached the brick wall at Iwatobi’s entrance, he heard footsteps rushing in his direction and he glanced over his shoulder at Haruka who was now right behind him.

 

“Yamazaki,” Haruka said, breathlessly, and it made Sousuke stop in his tracks. “I don’t think you realize who you are to him. I’m going to say the same thing to you... Take care of him. You don’t need to tell me anything he does or says, but please just take care of him.”

 

Haruka held Sousuke’s gaze before he took the initiative to walk ahead and out of Iwatobi’s property to head back to his house, Sousuke supposed. The conversation didn’t go down the way he expected at all, and left him unsettled and with more questions than answers.

 

Rin would probably be thrilled that they spoke. Sousuke just wished that it was under better circumstances.

 

He just wished that he could get Rin to speak to him at all.

 

*

 

It was routine now. He’d take one step over the edge and would keep falling and falling and falling, grasping for anything that would stop him but every branch, every ledge, was always just ever so slightly out of reach. There was never a ground level, just constant falling with the occasional bump and bang - but they were shifting from occasional to more frequent and it was horrifying, why couldn’t he just stop falling?

 

Despite his internal battle with himself to start speaking to his friends more often, Rin managed to make it home for the Obon festival without having said as much as a word to anyone. Of course, he did keep up his captain’s duties and spoke to the team about nationals, but before Ai, Momo, or Sousuke could squeeze a word in edgewise, he was out of sight. It was the wrong decision because their worries must’ve grown tenfold. Rin would have to put together an elaborate lie to cover himself once he was back at Samezuka.

 

Hiding from Sousuke was harder. They lived close to one another, and therefore had to take a train back together. Rin had one hand gripping onto the arm rest tightly while the other was in his jacket pocket, fingers squeezing a tight fist and letting go as a way to alleviate some of the stress he was feeling. Sousuke could speak up at any moment, could say something that would open the floodgates and Rin would have nowhere to go, nowhere to hide.

 

Much to his relief, Sousuke never said a word. He just sat quietly beside him the entire way back to their neighborhood, only whispering a soft ‘later’ when they had to walk to their respective houses. Maybe Sousuke was giving him some of the same treatment, letting Rin know how it felt to be ignored for so long. He’d fix it later, he’d apologize and explain later. 

 

Gou and his mother had gone out to do some shopping leaving Rin in the house to himself. It was a blessing and a curse - less pairs of eyes to look at him, but less distractions and excuses to not give into his anxiety. That was why he found himself in the bathroom, reaching to take the razor blade out of the tiny box he usually carried it in (it was more discreet, or so he reasoned) before stopping short. Rin stared at it with narrowed eyes, watching how the bathroom light reflected on it and caused it to almost shimmer. This thing had gone and made him punished him physically, and although the scars from Australia had faded (he was young and scared out of his mind), he didn’t know if he could say the same for his current ones. How could he ever let anyone see the results of his failure? How would anyone accept him this way? What had he done to himself? Every time he was alone, the list of questions he had for himself grew in Rin’s mind, and it was getting to a point where he couldn’t answer any of them. Before, he could give himself reasons, some solid and some not, to push forward, but now he couldn’t even do that. 

 

Maybe it was what he deserved for hurting his friends the way he did.

 

It was supposed to be a thing of the past. It wasn’t supposed to still be there, still haunting at him, still eating away at Rin’s life and making it harder and harder to hide. It wasn’t supposed to still be trailing after him, nor was it still supposed to be taking away whatever pride in himself that Rin had left. It had been years; he was supposed to be better than this.

 

So why did Rin keep falling back to it if it hurt so much? Why did he keep letting himself give in to weakness? Why was he allowing himself to fall deeper and deeper into a hole that seemed impossible to crawl out of?

 

 _‘Maybe there’s no point in fighting_ , _’_ Rin thought as his fingertips gradually skated along the edge of fine cold metal he had thought he had grown weary of. _‘Maybe this is just who I’ve become.’_

 

Trembling fingertips hesitantly picked up the thin razor blade, ignoring the sharp sting when the edge cut into the tip of his index finger, causing a tiny droplet of blood to form just beneath the point of the blade.

 

_‘Maybe this is exactly what I deserve.’_

 

Before Rin could make any further movements, he was cut off by a loud knock on the door which jolted him and caused him to drop the blade into the sink, a light spattering of blood tainting the otherwise pure porcelain. He cursed under his breath as he grabbed a paper towel to wipe the droplets from the sink, then quickly placed the blade back into the box so he could head toward the front door. Rin wasn’t expecting anyone, but he really wasn’t expecting to see Sousuke on the other side of the door once he pulled it open. He froze in place, unsure how to even question his presence especially since they had just parted ways not that long ago.

 

“Rin?”

 

“What are you - ”

 

“Your...finger. Your finger’s bleeding.”

 

Sousuke’s words shook the shock out of Rin and he glanced down, seeing the thin, tiny trail of blood on his index finger. He had forgotten all about it.

 

“Shit, I didn’t - ”

 

“Come.” 

 

Sousuke grabbed a hold of Rin’s other hand and stepped inside of the home, toeing off his shoes before dragging Rin in the direction of the bathroom. Rin was too stunned to struggle or question it, so he just followed Sousuke’s lead, keeping silent even as he rummaged through the bathroom until he found the mini first aid kit. Rin quietly allowed Sousuke to rinse off the blood and put ointment on it before wrapping a purple and blue polka-dot bandage around the small cut.

 

Rin managed a tiny ‘thank you’ as Sousuke put the first aid kit away, ready for Sousuke to begin questioning how he had cut himself and how he hadn’t noticed. Yet, much to Rin’s relief, the line of questions never came. That was either a good thing or a bad thing; Sousuke could’ve easily been waiting for a better opportunity to spring the questions on Rin when he least expected it. Maybe it was the calm before the storm. It was a nice calm, what with Sousuke’s fingers gently running up and down Rin’s injured finger, coming to rest over the bandage before Sousuke’s low voice filled the room.

 

“Can we talk for a bit? We can go to your room in case your mom and Gou come back early.”

 

“...Sure.” That came out of nowhere, too. Rin had no expectations whatsoever, but Sousuke just kept throwing other wrenches in his thoughts and making him feel lost. That was the last thing he wanted to feel; Sousuke felt like home to him. He was where Rin could seek solace and warmth, why would he want to talk when lately all he had been doing was pushing him away?

 

Unless he wanted to talk about ending things. That was a painful possibility.

 

The hand Sousuke had near Rin’s injured one moved to take a gentle hold of it, lacing his fingers between Rin’s before giving it a gentle comforting squeeze. Rin held on to the small hope that he was wrong, again, and managed to give Sousuke’s hand a tiny squeeze in return before leading the way to his bedroom. 

 

Once in there, he found himself blushing over the fact that the last time Sousuke had been in there with him was when they were kids. The room, much like Rin, had changed so much - as did their friendship. He wanted to think it all came full circle, but he felt like he was the one screw loose in the equation not making it all whole.

 

Rin took a seat at the foot of his bed and patted the spot next to him to offer it to Sousuke, giving in to the tug at his heart that demanded closeness. That entire week he had been denying himself of what he really wanted, what he thought he no longer deserved or had any right to. Being so close to Sousuke like this, alone like this, made him second guess his entire frame of mind, his judgement, and his decisions. It was making him anxious again and giving in was the last thing he wanted to do right then and there.

 

“I’m sorry for kissing you, the other day.”

 

Rin’s head quickly turned to face Sousuke, staring at him with the most incredulous look in his eyes. “What?” If the circumstances weren’t so awkward, he might’ve cursed at himself for how barely audible his voice was.

 

Sousuke sighed, squeezing Rin’s hand again before letting it go. “I haven’t wanted to get in your way. No, that’s a lie. I have, but I wanted to respect your wishes. Since I kissed you the other day, you’ve been distant. We haven’t spoken and I barely see you, and I realize that it could very well be because I backed you into a corner without your consent, and I greatly apologize for that, Rin.”

 

‘You have absolutely nothing to apologize for,” Rin rushed out, but he couldn’t raise his voice. His face still had that look of astonishment stuck on it with wide eyes, lips parted, jaw dropped. “That wasn’t - ”

 

“I should have talked to you about it, first. I shouldn’t have assumed your feelings. I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I... Rin, you need to believe me when I say that is the last possible thing I ever want to make you feel.”

 

“You didn’t, you don’t...!” Rin cut himself off, leaning in closer, desperate to find his words. Sousuke felt guilty? Sousuke felt like he was to blame? That couldn’t be any more further from the truth, and Rin wanted to kick himself. He had made a gigantic mess and it was starting to make his head hurt at how stupid he was being. He brought his bandaged hand to rest on his thigh, fingers pushing into his flesh through his pants out of habit. “I feel most comfortable with you, you didn’t assume anything wrong. I trust you.”

 

“Then why won’t you - ” Sousuke stopped himself short, and Rin noticed that Sousuke’s teal eyes were staring down - at his hand in his lap. Rin tilted his head as he watched Sousuke and felt his heart get caught in his throat. Those eyes... Sousuke’s were always filled with so much love, sometimes Rin couldn’t stare into them for too long because he’d grow embarrassed and had to look away. But now they looked so sad, so preoccupied. Was he really eating himself up that much over the kiss?

 

“Why won’t I what?”

 

Sousuke’s lips parted and he made a move to talk, but he couldn’t. He knew what he wanted to say, what questions he wanted to ask. _Why won’t you talk to me? Are you hurting yourself? Are you cutting yourself? Why are you cutting yourself? Can I help you? Please?_ But all of those questions and others went against his plan to start small while talking to Rin. He didn’t want to scare him or pressure him into saying anything; Sousuke hadn’t any real proof that Rin was even cutting himself. The bleeding finger didn’t exactly ease his nerves, however. Rather, they made them multiply.

 

“I don’t want you to run from me,” Sousuke started, watching his words carefully. “If I ever do or say anything you don’t like or feel comfortable with, I want you to tell me. I want you to feel confident that you can stop me. You’re your own person, I don’t want you to force yourself to do anything just to appease me.”

 

“You haven’t though,” Rin replied, scooting in closer until their thighs were touching. “You’ve only ever made me happy... I’ve just had so much on my mind and I didn’t want to burden anyone with it...”

 

Sousuke hesitantly reached out, his hand covering the one Rin had in his lap, giving it another squeeze like he had earlier. “You never have to tell me unless you want to, but know that I’ll always listen. And if you don’t want to talk, I want to be here for you however I can be.”

 

“As a friend?” was the quiet response that Sousuke barely heard.

 

“As a friend. As...whatever you want me to be,” Sousuke whispered in reply, finally tearing his gaze from their joined hands to try and make eye contact with Rin. Rin was looking down at their hands, too, and Sousuke could tell that he was lost in thought. He could tell that there was so much on his mind that maybe their simple conversation was overwhelming to him. It made him want to ask even more, it made him want to take all of Rin’s pain and manage it himself, just so he wouldn’t have to see that look in those red eyes anymore. 

 

Sousuke was at a loss as to what to do; he didn’t know what was stepping over the line and what was okay to do and say. He wanted to scream, to punch something, throw something, anything. He had finally gotten through to Rin but only so far. Any wrong word or movement and he’d lose him again, and he would be lying if he said that he wasn’t scared out of his mind for what could happen if he did.

 

“And if I want something more than that?” Rin asked, going against his mind that was screaming at him to run away, to back off, screaming that he was skating into territory he didn’t deserve but his heart was screaming to proceed, that it was okay, that he deserved happiness sometimes too. He felt like he was fighting himself and the battle scars were mentally all over his mind, emotionally all over his heart, and physically all over his thighs. Who’d want somebody like that?

 

“What do you want?” Yeah, Sousuke really was ready to scream. He didn’t know if he’d be able to keep taking baby steps even though he knew it was for Rin’s well-being. Although, maybe reconnecting would help make it easier for Sousuke to start crossing that bridge. He was petrified that the slightest hitch in his voice would make Rin run away form him.

 

And this was Sousuke freaking out without real proof. But, what would be considered real proof? Rin was avoiding him. Rin was avoiding everyone. There was blood on his pants and all the bloody tissues in the dorm. He wasn’t swimming anymore. He took showers more frequently. Then there was the cut on his finger as the most recent example. Were those enough reasons to pry? Was it enough of a concern to bring it up to Rin? Now Sousuke was second guessing his plan of action, but Rin’s shaky hand tugging itself out of his grasp before taking a gentle hold of his bicep brought him back. 

 

Rin looked terrified, more so than he felt. And suddenly, Sousuke felt like the biggest idiot in the world. 

 

“Rin... Have you ever dated a guy before?”

 

“I’ve never dated anyone.” A pause. “I’ve been so busy and stressed and... I mean, I don’t know if I consider myself gay. I mean, you’re a guy and I... yeah, I like you a lot but I’ve never looked at other guys before. Not the way I look at you.”

 

“Is that okay?”

 

“I... I don’t know. I don’t know if my mom would accept it. I’d like to think the guys would be okay with it, but it’s never been a topic that’s come up. What if they’re not? What if scouts don’t approve of a swimmer at their school or on their team with that lifestyle? What if maybe I don’t fully accept it?”

 

Sousuke nodded slowly. Rin was avoiding making eye contact again, and Sousuke noticed that his free hand had gone to rest on his thigh, tapping at it and picking at the material of his pants. Taking a deep breath, he reached out and hooked his middle and index fingers under Rin’s chin to tip his head up again, wanting to look into his eyes. He wanted Rin to see how open and honest he was being, and hope that maybe that would make Rin feel more comfortable and open up to him, too. He had to tread lightly and he knew it; this wasn’t an easy fix like on TV and in movies.

 

“If you could... ignore everyone else for a moment and just think about you, okay? How do you feel? What do you want? No one else, nobody else matters right now, not even me.” Sousuke’s thumb gently brushed against the skin of Rin’s chin, hoping to soothe him as best as he could. “What does Matsuoka Rin want, right now?”

 

Rin wanted his head to stop hurting. He wanted his thighs to stop feeling so itchy. He wanted his mind to shut up and his heart to slow down. He wanted to regain control of his life again. He wanted to stop telling himself he didn’t deserve things. He wanted to stop feeling like he was trapped in a thick fog that he couldn’t find his way out of. He wanted somebody to hit the reset button on his body that could placate him long enough to function as a human being again. Usually when he got to that point was when he’d grab the razor blade and slice at the skin of his thighs. Never anything too deep, but enough so that Rin could feel he had the reigns and the control again. No one could see them there, not with his legskins. When he ran, he had shorts and pants on, no one could tell. He almost always wore sweatpants or jeans or something else long enough to hide the results of the chaos that was his mind. 

 

At that current moment, he was back to feeling like he was in that thick fog, and he couldn’t see in any direction; he couldn’t find his way. The grip Rin had on Sousuke’s arm and the gentle hold Sousuke had on his chin were the only two things that kept him grounded right then, the only two things that were telling him which direction was which. Rin wished it was enough to stop everything else he was feeling, but it wasn’t. He still felt like he was trembling, still felt an overwhelming feeling of anxiety, and felt like he needed to empty the bathtub before it overflowed - or rather, he felt like he needed to cut before his mind and body went on overload.

 

Rin couldn’t do that right then, however. He couldn’t run, he had nowhere to go. He couldn’t tell all of that to Sousuke, how could he? The minute he blabbed everything that was in his head, it would send Sousuke out the door screaming. 

 

But Sousuke had asked what he wanted. If he ignored everything for a minute, including his own mind, what Rin wanted was Sousuke. Sousuke wasn’t the answer to his problems, far from it, but he was what Rin wanted at that exact moment.

 

Rin tightened his hold on Sousuke’s arm before leaning in closer to him, holding onto Sousuke’s to ensure that he wasn’t doing anything he didn’t want him to do. When he didn’t get any pushback, Rin inched closer, lips just barely brushing over Sousuke’s. The temptation was too close, too strong, and Rin gave into it before he could allow his mind to run rampant with excuses and reasons why this was a horrible idea. He pushed his lips against Sousuke’s, eyes fluttering shut. Rin felt the hand that was at his chin move, and let out a small, pleased sound when he felt it shift and move to slide into his hair, fingers threading through the strands.

 

Sousuke kept that hand behind Rin’s head while the other wrapped around his body, pulling him closer until their chests were touching. He was scared, terrified, petrified. He didn’t want to let Rin go for anything. Sousuke wanted so much to ease away all of Rin’s problems at the drop of a hat, but he just couldn’t, and that angered him more than he could explain. Maybe he could serve as a distraction, and he’d willingly do it, all Rin had to do was ask - verbally or otherwise.

 

He tightened his hold on Rin, keeping him close as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, their lips fitting together as if they had kissed hundreds of times before. Sousuke was thrilled that Rin seemed to be okay with it all thus far, and he felt a tiny sense of accomplishment over the fact that the hand Rin had picking at his thigh had moved at last and was cupping one of Sousuke’s cheeks. 

 

They were both clueless and lacked experience, but both seemed to be just fine with letting feeling and emotion take over. Sousuke was moving not on instinct but rather by what felt good. He hadn’t kissed another guy before Rin, and no this wasn’t their first kiss, but Sousuke was considering it their first real kiss. The kiss broke apart naturally, but neither one moved an inch, both inhaling each others gasps for breath. 

 

That didn’t last very long, because the moment Sousuke felt he had recuperated enough, Rin seemed to have too, for their lips crashed into one another’s again in a deeper kiss. The tip of Sousuke’s tongue trailed across Rin’s lower lip, not wanting to push forward without permission. Rin’s lips parted granting him access, and both boys moaned out of pleasure over the feeling of their tongues sliding against each other.

 

Rin didn’t know what to make of what was going on, but he could figure it out and panic later. He just knew that it felt good, that Sousuke felt good, and he didn’t want to stop yet. Stopping meant facing reality and that just sounded exhausting. Rin wanted to keep going, wanting to keep avoiding reality for as long as he could. He was afraid of what was laying ahead for him, after Sousuke left. He was falling apart and didn’t know how to stop himself anymore.

 

Their hands were gradually becoming more bold, beginning to wander along each other’s bodies in an attempt to simply feel and be grounded in that moment. 

 

For Sousuke, it felt like finally coming home. It felt like this was where he was supposed to be, doing what he was supposed to be doing. All his confusion of right and wrong didn’t matter anymore. 

 

For Rin, it felt like Sousuke was a life preserver keeping him from sinking. The second he let go and dove back into real life, he was back to all of his demons. Basically, he was using Sousuke like a bandaid when what he really needed was stitches. 

 

The hand Sousuke had in Rin’s hair stayed put, fingers continuing to thread through the strands in long, dragged out movements. The arm he had wrapped around Rin moved so his palm could press flat against his back, gingerly wandering along the expanse of his back. The movements gave Rin a speck of courage to move his hands, too, removing the hand he had on Sousuke’s cheek until it came to rest on his upper abdomen. The hand he still had on Sousuke’s arm began to move, Rin’s fingers following the shape of his biceps and down to the muscles in his forearm. They kept trailing up and down his arm as if he were trying to memorize him.

 

Rin inched a bit closer, practically pushing himself into Sousuke’s lap. Sousuke eased out of the kiss in surprise, and because oxygen was very much needed, but he felt good to know Rin wasn’t afraid of him. A tiny voice in his head was shouting as loud as it could that Rin was deflecting the real issue, but Sousuke’s body wasn’t in the mood to hear it at that exact moment. He pushed into Rin, using his body to push him down onto his back before shifting over him.

 

There was no way he could give Sousuke time to pause and think or say anything; Rin didn’t want to let his fantasy end yet. He turned his head, occupying himself with pressing kiss after kiss to Sousuke’s cheek and jaw, arms hesitantly wrapping around his body to keep him close.

 

Sousuke didn’t mind in the slightest. He smiled to himself, letting his eyes close while his hands lowered down to Rin’s chest, shyly exploring it through his shirt. He didn’t want to move too quickly, didn’t want to scare Rin off, but everything felt so amazing. His body was getting the best of him, as was Rin’s, and Sousuke didn’t think he could stop it. Part of him wasn’t even sure if he wanted to. If they kept this illusion up,  everything was okay, right? There were no underlying issues that way, no pain, no hardship... right?

 

As Rin’s hands began to explore Sousuke’s back again, Sousuke’s hands shifted down Rin’s torso to slip under the hem of his shirt, causing him to gasp against his skin and arch a little into the touch. It all felt good, so good. Rin didn’t know that he could feel these things before, especially not from another man. Especially not from Sousuke, his best friend. But even just in general, this felt amazing. With such an intense week, this was something he hadn’t allowed himself to realize he needed. Maybe not in this fashion, but just relief and happiness of some kind.

 

It was even better because it was coming from Sousuke, of course.

 

However, Rin’s mind went into panic mode the second he felt one of Sousuke’s hands hit the waistband of his pants. He didn’t know how far they were planning on going, and that was scary enough. They were at his house, where his sister and mother could come back at any time. Neither one of them had done anything before - and certainly hadn’t with another man. But the most horrifying possibility of them all was the fact that Sousuke would see. Sousuke would see his scars and cuts if he pulled his pants down.

 

And just like that, the cloud of bliss Rin was on vanished and he fell at high speed back to reality. He couldn’t, under any circumstance, not even one that felt so good, let Sousuke see his legs.

 

“No, no, no,” he started mumbling, arms unwrapping from around Sousuke’s body so his palms could press at Sousuke’s shoulders to push him away, or try to.

 

Sousuke stopped in his tracks, staring down at Rin with the horror that he had gone too far. He had ignored the warnings in his mind and let his body push forward in pleasure rather than remembering the truth. Thanks to him and his hormones, Rin was pulling back and shutting him out and no, no, _no_ , that couldn’t happen.

 

“ _Rin -_ ” he choked out, pushing himself back up into a sitting position beside Rin, feeling his heart break in his chest at how fast Rin moved away from him once Sousuke’s body wasn’t pinning him down any longer. “Rin, please, wait - ”

 

“No, no, you don’t understand,” Rin replied shakily, scooting himself back until his back hit the wall to the side of his bed. “ _You don’t understand_.”

 

Sousuke couldn’t move. He didn’t know what to do, what to say; any wrong move would shut Rin down even further and it was killing Sousuke to see how terrified he looked and sounded. It was like when he saw him swim at regionals the year before. That broken shell of the person he knew and loved was a memory he wanted to forget, but there it was again in front of his face and Sousuke was at a loss as to how to help.

 

“Help me understand,” he replied softly, inching forward very slowly so not to scare Rin off. “Please. What’s wrong? Talk to me.”

 

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. This is just a lot to take in at once.”

 

“You’re lying.” _Shut up, Sousuke._

 

“You have no idea if I’m lying or not, you don’t know anything.”

 

“I can tell you aren’t being honest with me... I don’t want you to feel you need to lie to me.” _Shut. Up. Sousuke._

 

“What part of I’m not lying aren’t you getting?” 

 

“Rin - ”

 

“ _Shut up!_ ” Rin finally lashed out, and Sousuke was honestly surprised it had taken so long. 

 

Rin grabbed the collar of Sousuke’s shirt and tugged at it, angry narrowed eyes blinking back tears as they glared at him, unable to see the concern that was apparently all over Sousuke’s face.

 

“You don’t know anything! Don’t... Don’t come here, and touch me like that, then tell me I’m _lying_... You don’t know _anything_...”

 

“I know.”

 

It was soft, whispered, but sounded like an explosion in the silence of the room. 

 

It was the absolute last thing Sousuke should have said, but he found himself shaking, trying desperately to hold back and stop himself, but he couldn’t do it anymore.

 

“You don’t know any - ”

 

“Rin... I know.”

 

Rin’s grip tightened on his collar but his eyes widened. It was clear to Sousuke that Rin wasn’t going to verbally respond, so he kept going.

 

“I know about...what you’re doing.”

 

“You don’t know anything.” Sousuke couldn’t tell who was shaking anymore - himself or Rin. The grip on his collar loosened and Rin looked as though he had been hit in the face. Sousuke could swear that his face had gone pale.

 

“I wasn’t going to... Neither one of us have done anything, but I just wanted to touch you... There was something - no, there _is_ something you don’t want me to see.”

 

Rin’s grip loosened completely and his arms came back to rest at his sides, and all the anger had washed away from his face. Sousuke wanted to beat himself for putting that look on Rin’s face, but he was too far in to stop now.

 

“Talk to me, Rin. Please.” Sousuke advanced a tad closer to Rin, and he tentatively placed a hand on top of one of Rin’s, not surprised to feel it trembling underneath his own. “ _Please_.”

 

Rin didn’t move away, but he didn’t say anything either.

 

Sousuke sighed. “Listen... You don’t have to talk to me right now. I can’t and won’t force you to. But please know that I’m here, for anything, at any time. I want to support you however I can. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable but I...” He paused a moment, hesitating continuing. “Rin, I’m scared to death. I want to help somehow, however you want me to. I want to understand. I’m not going to sit here and say it’ll pass, or that I’ll fix it, because we both know I can’t make those promises. They’re not realistic. What is realistic is that I’m here... and that I’ll continue to be here, even if you just need somebody to punch.”

 

It was then that Sousuke noticed that Rin was crying. They weren’t the crybaby gulps that he made fun of or teased him over, no. They were quiet, seldom tears that trickled down his cheeks and dripped off of his jaw once they trailed that far. Rin was staring at Sousuke and he almost looked emotionless. He didn’t look angry or anything, he was just...there.

 

“Fuck,” Sousuke breathed out, bringing his free hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I don’t want to put you in a weird position. I don’t want to... I don’t want to hurt you. I just want to help. But, damn, Rin, I mean it when I say I’m scared.” And now Sousuke felt like he was going to cry, and that was just not something he did. The only times he had were twice over his shoulder, when he realized it had broken down, and when he realized his professional career was done with. But now, this situation felt a million times worse, and he hated that he could feel the sting of tears pricking his eyes. Sousuke needed to be strong, but he felt like the weakest man on earth at that moment. Regardless, he let himself continue to babble, hoping that maybe, just maybe, it might reach Rin in some way. “I have no proof and I’m just throwing up words at you... but I’ve been noticing things with you. And I’ve jumped to this conclusion that I feel is pretty confirmed right now and I... I don’t want anything to happen to you. Punch me, kick me, hit me, you can do anything to me, but please... Please don’t...” 

 

Seeing a single tear slip down Sousuke’s face was the kick in the back Rin needed to move. He felt like he was frozen solid, unable to believe what was happening, unable to believe that Sousuke knew, that he was saying all of those things to him, that he was sitting beside him on his bed, crying because he was worried out of his mind. 

 

Rin felt even guiltier than ever. He felt like the thick fog was going to swallow him whole and no one would ever be able to find him.

 

He also knew that that was the last thing Sousuke wanted. Rin knew Sousuke didn’t intend to break down with worry in front of him like that. He knew that Sousuke didn’t have any intention of making his guilt and anxiety skyrocket. Rin had been hoping, begging, pleading, for some sort of resolution and conclusion to his issues. No, this wasn’t a fix, but maybe it was the first step to getting a fix. Maybe this was the way out, somehow, or at least a map with directions on how to do so.

 

Rin slipped his hand out from under Sousuke’s, his cheeks flushing bright red in complete embarrassment as his hands came to the waistband of his pants. Sousuke watched, feeling almost unable to breathe while Rin reluctantly eased his pants down and off of his hips, down to his knees. He kept his boxer-briefs on, and Sousuke almost questioned it, but his words died in his throat when his gaze fell down to Rin’s thighs.

 

There were a few thin, fading red lines on the fronts of Rin’s thighs, but Sousuke saw there were bigger ones, in greater quantities, along his inner thighs. He moved in closer so he could see better, and regretted it almost instantly. There were many scars that were faded, barely visible unless you were close enough and looking, but there were also a lot of dried up and healed ones, as well as many recent ones that were still scabbed and sealed with dried blood. There was one particular one along the inside of his left thigh where there was a longer, deeper cut, and that one appeared like it wasn’t healing as quickly as Rin probably would’ve liked.

 

“That was two days before the Obon festival,” Rin provided. “I was trying to rush because I didn’t want you to wake up and catch me and I messed up, big time. It wouldn’t stop bleeding and I didn’t know what to do. I mean, our uniforms are white.”

 

Rin sounded so nonchalant, so disconnected from the injuries as though they were nothing, as though they meant nothing. It had Sousuke’s head spinning.

 

“Australia was great, but it was also really bad,” Rin said softly, and Sousuke almost didn’t hear him. “I, um. I talked big before I left Japan, but at the end of the day, it didn’t really matter. It didn’t really mean anything. I was slow, really slow. I wasn’t improving. I was horrible. It was hard to communicate at school, no one could understand me. For a while, I felt like an outcast. The loser from Japan that no one could understand and that sucked at swimming. I was really, really lonely. I maybe started when I was fourteen, or fifteen. I don’t remember.”

 

Sousuke suddenly felt nauseous.

 

“I didn’t reach out to you, or Haru, or Gou... I didn’t want you guys to have to deal with me. Especially not like that. I wasn’t worth any of your friendships, I wasn’t worth anything. I let my dad down so bad. I couldn’t do anything right. I was making Russell and Lori waste their time on me... I was a walking disaster.”

 

Rin paused, shoulders shrugging which further confirmed Sousuke’s thought that Rin felt disconnected from the entire ordeal. It was a burden he dragged around with him and _oh_. That was why Rin stopped sending him letters. That was why he didn’t call when he got back to Japan. That was why he was ignoring him now...

 

Sousuke really, really wanted to throw up.

 

“I got back here, and I blamed myself for everything. Lost to Haru in a race and it solidified everything. I had gone and wasted everyone’s time. Doing relays was a curse, I ruined my life and my future. I went to a swimming school only to have not progressed and improved at all. And all my friends had moved on, gotten better, had lives without me. Of course they did, I stopped trying. I stopped communicating. Every single day before the relay you saw, I hated myself. It was even worse than Australia.”

 

“And what about now?” Sousuke found himself whispering, almost afraid to hear the answer. He had a small sinking feeling he knew what it was, and seeing Rin shrug again just about confirmed it.

 

“I’ve been such a shitty friend to you, and look at you. You’re here crying over me and my stupidity when it’s my fault you can’t swim anymore. It’s my fault your dream is gone. It’s my fault you don’t have a plan for after graduation. You’re getting freaking surgery for crying out loud! I took everything away from you. I had taken it away from you the second I transferred to Iwatobi, didn’t I?” Rin didn’t give Sousuke a chance to respond before continuing. “Then at this year’s regionals, I fucked things up with Haru and them. I hadn’t meant to, but damn Haru can be so infuriating... I might have pushed some of my dreams and ambitions onto him and he let me have it pretty badly. I deserved that, though. I think the worst was him saying he only swims for himself and his friends, though... Like, the way he said it. The stupid way he said it. Does he not consider me one of those friends? Does he not consider me a friend at all?”

 

_We...didn’t see eye to eye about what happened. He said some things, I said some things..._

 

Suddenly Haruka’s words made complete sense.

 

Sousuke didn’t think he could stomach hearing anymore, and he could only imagine how Rin felt having to come clean about it, repeating it and reliving every moment that kicked him down another set of metaphorical stairs. He didn’t think either one of them could do it anymore.

 

Sousuke pushed forward, arms wrapping around Rin in a tight hug before he pressed a kiss to Rin’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”

 

“What the hell?” was the shaky reply. “Why the hell are _you_ sorry?”

 

“I’m so sorry that you had to endure all of this alone for so long. I’m sorry for keeping things from you. I’m sorry I couldn’t help you.” Sousuke tightened his hold, burying his face in the crook of Rin’s neck, breathing in his scent. “But, I’m here now. I’m not a quick fix, I’m not the answer to all your problems, I’m not the cure, I’m not any of that and I know I can’t be. But I’m here. However you want me, however you need me, I’m here to support you. If you need a punching bag, physically or verbally, if you need to rant, if you need a shoulder to cry on... Anything. Please. Please don’t think you’re going through this alone because you’re not. I want to be here with you, if you’ll let me.”

 

“ _Sousuke_...” came the broken reply, and it sounded much quieter and more watery than Rin’s voice had before. 

 

“Whenever you want to talk, we’ll talk. If you don’t want to talk, we can play card games, video games, whatever you want. But, Rin... Promise me.”

 

Rin’s hands came up, grabbing the hem of Sousuke’s shirt, just needing something to hold onto. He felt like he’d sink into the abyss at any moment; that was more than he had ever told anyone, ever. No one knew he was thinking and feeling all of those things and then-some, and to have blabbed it out and come clean to an extent felt like such a relief but also like such a nightmare. “Promise you what?”

 

“Promise me that any time you feel the urge to cut yourself, you’ll call me. Or text me, or come to me, whatever. I can’t stop you if you absolutely need to do it, I can’t and won’t force you to do anything like I said. But promise me that you’ll do that.”

 

“Are you pulling our five year promise out on me?”

 

Sousuke chuckled quietly, cursing himself at how broken Rin sounds - how broken _he_ sounds. “I guess. But, only if you want.” He pulled back unexpectedly, and Rin let go of Sousuke’s shirt as a result. He raised his head and watched as Sousuke took a deep breath and bent forward, leaning down into Rin’s lap to begin pressing soft kisses along his right thigh. He started on the faded ones that were on the front of Rin’s thigh before carefully moving to his inner thigh, his nose brushing along his skin while his lips planted soft butterfly kisses to the healing cuts there. A hand moved to Rin’s left thigh, rubbing the outside of it to avoid touching and potentially aggravating the larger cut.

 

Rin’s breath hitched in his throat and he shifted in his spot. The kisses were ticklish, especially on his inner thigh where he was so sensitive. He didn’t know what to make of Sousuke’s actions in the slightest; he thought for certain that Sousuke would be disgusted by his words, and even more so by the scars, especially the deeper one.

 

“Sou...?”

 

Sousuke pressed one final kiss to Rin’s inner thigh before pushing himself back up into an upright position to face him. “I can’t heal these. I can’t fix these. I can’t magically stop you from feeling the way you do, but I want you to know that you don’t have to be alone in going through it anymore, if you don’t want to be.”

 

“Shouldn’t you be focusing more on your own injury and your surgery?”

 

“I can. I am.”

 

“Aren’t you - ”

 

“...disgusted? No. I could never be disgusted by you, Rin.” The hand he had moving along Rin’s left thigh came to a halt right on top of the old faded scars. “These are a part of you. I’d like so much if they could be a part of you in the past, and I’m sure you would, too.”

 

Rin covered his face with his hands, taking a few deep shaky breaths. “I sometimes feel like I don’t know who I am. Lately, this week, this is the worst ever. I can’t shake it. I’ve never cut so bad before. I feel trapped, like I can’t get out. Yeah, I’m harboring a lot of past issues and I... maybe I’m not super understanding myself and my sexuality right now, and then nationals, and then graduation, and I have never felt so much attacking me from all sides at once before. I am the definition of a mess right now, Sousuke.” Rin hesitated before removing his hands from his face, looking up at Sousuke with an almost scared curiosity. “None of that disgusts you, either? You sure you want to deal with that? Because I’m not some damsel in distress here, I’m not somebody’s puzzle to be solved.”

 

“I don’t think any of that. As much as I would love to whip up a potion and make this all disappear in the blink of an eye for you, I know it isn’t realistic. I know this will be hard, and that this will take time.” Sousuke moved his other hand to rest on Rin’s other thigh, keeping both over his scars to further emphasize his point. “And I want you to know that I am here anyway, and will continue to be, as long as you’ll let me. As long as you want me here.”

 

Both stared at each other for what felt like hours, neither moving, neither speaking. Both held each other’s gazes, tears spilling out of Rin’s eyes but they both refused to budge. 

 

After what Sousuke was ready to deem an eternity, Rin made the first move, collapsing forward against Sousuke with his arms around Sousuke’s neck. Sousuke removed his hands from Rin’s legs at last, loosely wrapping them around his waist.

 

“I promise.”

 

“What?”

 

“The five year promise, you idiot. I promise... I’ll call you. Or text you, or whatever.”

 

Sousuke’s embrace tightened at Rin’s words. Nothing was resolved, the situation was far from over, but he felt such a sense of relief to know that Rin was at least at the starting line to recovery.

 

“You have no idea how good that makes me feel, Rin,” Sousuke let out, shakily, refusing to acknowledge the few tears that slipped past his guard and down his face.

 

Rin pressed his forehead into Sousuke’s shoulder, letting out a long, uneasy breath. “This is all so much at once. I feel so exhausted.”

 

“Hey, this was nuts just now, okay? I just... Thank you for trusting me. Thank you for opening up to me. I...I want you to know that it’s not for nothing, okay?” Sousuke turned his head, pressing a few tiny kisses into Rin’s hair. “You can sleep if you want to. It doesn’t have to be now, or even today, but we can talk about some sort of a game plan at some point, if you want. How you want to handle all of this.”

 

Sousuke felt Rin nod slowly against his shoulder. Rin knew he had a long, very long, road ahead of him, but he liked knowing that there was some sort of an end to it all in the future. He knew there’d probably be talk of cutting substitutions, and therapy, and speaking to some sort of counselor in regards to everything. He knew he’d have to come clean to Gou and his mother, and maybe eventually his friends, but none of that was necessary at that exact moment. It mattered, of course, but at that moment in time all that mattered was that Rin finally felt like he had a hold of the right map to get him from point A to point B, regardless of the amount of time it’d take to get there.

 

That knowledge alone was enough to temporarily appease his anxiety and nerves away, at least for that day.

 

When he finally did fall asleep about half an hour later, that time it was to the feeling of familiar fingers running soothingly through his hair instead of drowning in the guilt and shame of feeling blood dripping down his thighs.

 

*

 

“If you don’t like the cold showers, we could try another method, Rin. It doesn’t have to be that one.”

 

“No! No, it’s... Fuck! It’s fine, I got this.”

 

“Don’t force yourself! You only need to be in there a few minutes.”

 

Sousuke was leaning against the wall in the hallway, directly in front of the closed bathroom door where Rin was taking a cold shower instead of cutting up his skin. As promised, when the urge hit him, Rin had called Sousuke over and he was there as fast as he could be with a rubber band ball and a jump rope. Sousuke had been doing his best to research self inflicted injuries in an attempt to better help and support Rin, and he liked to think that the small smile he got every time was a sign things were moving in a positive direction. In that particular instance, an ice shower was Rin’s chosen method of dealing with his stress. Sousuke kept looking at his phone to time him, making sure he wasn’t in there for too long. Getting sick wouldn’t make matters any easier.

 

When Rin was approaching the fourth minute of his shower, Sousuke’s phone vibrated with a new message from an unknown number. Eyebrow arched, he opened it, curious to see what was going on.

 

_> Yamazaki._

 

_> How is Rin? Is he okay?_

 

_> Oh. This is Nanase Haruka. Gou gave me your number._

 

Sousuke couldn’t help but smile. He wasn’t very fond of Haruka, that was common knowledge, but he thought for sure that Haruka would’ve dismissed their conversation and Sousuke’s concern. He was glad to be proven wrong.

 

< _He’s doing okay. He’s doing better._

 

_> Good... I’m really happy to hear that._

 

_> Don’t tell him I talked to you. I just wanted to make sure he was okay._

 

_> I was worried._

 

_< I won’t._

 

Sousuke glanced up from his phone when the bathroom door open, revealing Rin in a t-shirt and sweatpants, a towel wrapped around his head and another around his shoulders. Sousuke almost laughed at him, but Rin’s glare stopped him before he could.

 

“What’d you say, jumping rope helps?”

 

“It’s different for everyone, I think...”

 

“Jumping rope. That’s less stupid than a cold shower,” Rin mumbled. He walked over to Sousuke, pressing a short kiss to his injured shoulder before looking up at him, glare easing away off of his face. “I’m starving. Once I fully dry off, do you want to go get something to eat before my appointment?”

 

“Food sounds pretty amazing, actually. I’m going to be stuck with hospital food soon, so I might as well get all the good stuff I can.”

 

“You act like they’re going to feed you old oatmeal and rotten fruit.” Rin rolled his eyes before stepped back away from Sousuke, inching back toward the bathroom. “I just need a few more minutes. I suppose we can let the condemned have their favorite tonight...”

 

Sousuke smiled widely. “That’s a man after my heart.”

 

“I thought I already had it?” Rin replied cheekily before going back into the bathroom with the goal of finding his hair dryer.

 

“Cocky,” Sousuke replied, rolling his eyes. He heard Rin laughing at him in the bathroom, but his attention returned to his cell phone where he found another text from Haruka. It was kind of unsettling, but considering the circumstances, it was acceptable.

 

_> If you can find your heart somewhere in that brooding body of yours, tell Rin to come over tomorrow._

 

_< ...? I thought we were pretending we weren’t talking?_

 

_> ..._

 

_> Suggest it to him._

 

_< He would think I was kidnapped by aliens if I of all people suggested that._

 

_> You’re annoying._

 

_> I’ll have Gou tell him._

 

_< Makes more sense._

 

There was no reply immediately after that. Sousuke heard the hair dryer whirring in the background, and it almost made him miss the sound of his ringtone going off. He moved quickly to answer the call, not wanting to disturb Rin.

 

“Hello?”

 

Silence.

 

“Is anyone there?”

 

Silence.

 

“Ridiculous,” Sousuke groaned, “why would you call someone only to - ”

 

“Yamazaki.”

 

Sousuke was stunned into silence.

 

“Good, you have an off button. I just... I wanted to say thank you.”

 

“Thank you?” Sousuke blinked. “For what?”

 

“For taking care of Rin. I told you that you didn’t understand what you meant to him. Do you think that you do, now?”

 

Sousuke furrowed his brow, trying to make sense of the fact that he had Nanase Haruka on the other end of the call, telling him things that didn’t add up.

 

“Honestly... He loves you, Yamazaki. Even if he doesn’t fully realize or know it yet. Yeah, I know about you and him. I probably have for a while. And I’m happy for you both, as long as he’s happy.”

 

“Nanase, what in the world - ”

 

“I don’t know if he’ll tell me what’s going on, but keep supporting him. One negative thing I hear about you, and I’ll send Nagisa after you.”

 

“How is that a threat?”

 

“You have no idea.”

 

“That’s not something you’ll ever have to worry about.”

 

“Good.”

 

There was a pause of awkward silence, made even more awkward when the sound of the hair dryer finally went away indicating that Rin was just about done. Sousuke didn’t want Rin catching him on the phone with Haruka.

 

“Nanase, I - ”

 

"You can come over too, I guess. If you want.”

 

“...what?”

 

“There’ll be mackerel. If you don’t like it, deal with it. There’ll be mackerel.”

 

Sousuke opened his mouth to reply, but was greeted by a beep indicating that the call had ended. He pulled the phone away from his ear, staring at it in utter confusion until he heard Rin clear his throat, clearly requesting Sousuke’s attention.

 

“Are you ready, or do you want to keep staring at your phone like a weirdo?”

 

All Sousuke could do was laugh, shaking his head while placing his phone back into his pocket. He reached out to grab Rin’s hand, feeling his confidence surge when Rin immediately took a hold of Sousuke’s offered hand and gave it a squeeze. Baby steps, day by day, baby steps.

 

“I’m ready for anything.”

**Author's Note:**

> okay, wow, a lot of things.
> 
> this is probably the longest one-shot i've ever done because i wanted to try and give it justice and write it accurately. this was written with weeks worth of research but i still feel dfbksda about it and this is probably the most nervous i've ever been about writing something.
> 
> this started with me coming across [this prompt](http://iwatobiswimclub.dreamwidth.org/2701.html?thread=3417997#cmt3417997) and wanting to fill it. i didn't fill it exactly, really, but i was inspired by it. 
> 
> as always, i haven't 100% proofread this yet; i will float back here and do it. i've been staring at this fic for weeks because i didn't want to do it wrong so i figured i'd edit later. +_+;
> 
> writing this was nuts. i hope it is okay ._.


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